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Crisis Marriages and Relationships: What could be responsible?

Crisis Marriages and Relationships: What could be responsible?

In every business or business organization and other fields of life, there are laid down rules for success which if broken, the resultant effect being failure would automatically show up. However, these laid down rules have been what people have observed for years in doing business or working in other fields which is popularly termed as “Statistics”. It helps you know what would do well, what will work and what wouldn’t based on the large recurring past success or failures of people in business in all ramifications of life. 

In relationships and marriages based on statistical polls acquired by examining different marriages over a long period, it is evident that some of these factors would hamper the success of any marriage or relationship. Some of these factors are :

1. Prioritizing the wedding over the marriage :

The wedding is the ceremony of the day, while the marriage is the real deal, which is for life. One of the ways to know a marriage that would spiral into crisis is that the two dating couples would put more emphasis on the wedding and not the marriage. When you hear them discuss, all you see are plans all for the wedding and no concrete plans or focus on the marriage itself that comes after the wedding.  You’ll know that the marriage in question would surely hit the rock. 

 We have beautiful weddings every Saturday all across the length and breadth of Nigeria with plenty divorces later on because there was too much plan for the wedding, and no substiantial plan for the marriage. Everyone is concerned about pleasing people for that day and none of the couples are concerned about  pleasing themselves on the long run. So you see the effort of both side trying to get the best wedding gown, best suit, best event hall, best caterer, etc with no plans on doing pre-marital counselling sessions, engaging in deep conversations as regarding issues to settle in the marriage etc .Their concerns is getting the perfect wedding and not the perfect marriage.

2. They prioritize the Union and not the relationship :

One of the mistakes to note is that the two parties prioritize union over relationship. They are so concerned about being together and not checking if they are really relating well and being friends. They’re so much concerned about the destination called marriage, and not asking themselves pertinent questions like, “Do we like each other? Do we want to be together? Can we talk? Are we friends? Are we getting along well?” etc. I have heard many times from guys who say, “I love this girl, but she doesn’t respect me, she talks rudely to me”, and i’m wondering, “why then do you want to marry her?”  Same with ladies also, ” He cheats on me, he beats me, he take my money, but I love him and want to marry him”. I usually say, “These are the things you ought to be paying attention to, not on the wedding or marriage”.

3. They prioritize love over acquiring knowledge :

What does this mean?  These are actually people who normally say, ” We love each other, we just can’t wait, we don’t think we need counselling, we are too in love and everything is going to be blissful and rosy”. Well, there is a popular caption that says ” Love (Emotion) is never enough” because if it is based on feelings, it would fluctuate because feelings are time bound and they fluctuate as it is with human nature. But learning and acquiring facts that make for a success marriage would help keep you good while the feeling is not there.  Studies show that people in marriages start losing feelings for their spouse usually at the period of 6 months to 2years and the instinctive thinking comes “Maybe I married the wrong persons”. But facts would teach you to love not only emotionally when you feel like, but also intentionally when you don’t feel like.  So do proper pre marital counselling which studies also shows that it goes along way in determining the success of the marriage.  Buy books and read, attend marriage conferences, invest in knowledge rather than relying on your own understanding. 

4. They prioritize speed over success :

When driving on the high way there is usually a warning ⚠ signal that says “Speed kills “. One of the ways to know a crisis marriage is often in seeing the rush.  All of a sudden the both of them can’t wait, and they met just some months ago and wants to marry in a month time. No time to really know each other. All of a sudden you get too serious about the relationship and not give it time for things to evolve so that you can understand each other and see things clearly, which the factor of time helps bring into the relationship.  I personally cannot count how many times some hasty wedding plannings between two dating couples that was put on hold for a time, yet didn’t last after that.  Desperation kills your ability to make good decisions, allow time to take it course well, concentrate more on getting quality and success. 

5. They prioritize the external than the internal:

They often concentrate on the external than the internals.  He has six packs, he’s tall and looks handsome, she’s beautiful, she’s has a fine face, big hips, nice shape etc. These things are good, but you must prioritize the internals over these externals because these externals would not always last forever. They would change with time. I mean no one looks the same forever, she’s going to give birth and after two or three kids, her shape would be altered, and of course the guy might develop pot belly etc.  If your focus was on the external factors, you’ll lose attraction when these factors start setting in because looks cannot survive the long term commitment of marriage. However, internal qualities like kindness, patience, forgiveness, generosity etc are character traits that sustains a marriage till the end. Nobody has ever been married for long who accredit their success to looks, but it’s usually on character basis.

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