Fantasy diary: To tell or not to tell?

Do you feel like your partner owes it to you to disclose all their sexual fantasies? And would you feel comfortable disclosing all of your sexual fantasies?

Almost everyone has sexual fantasies — and non sexual ones too. But, should we share those fantasies with our partner?

In a survey I conducted on discussing fantasies with a partner, a man in his 30’s said, “Your partner should know what you fancy and what you like. It’s a no Brainer — a relationship should be a safe space. Period.” When asked about a situation where his partner finds his fantasy weird, he said, “She is open to saying so. But it’s my fantasy. Loving me should require trying to understand it and may be trying to explore with me, I used to date a woman that loved anal. I found it REALLY weird. But that’s what she liked. Criticizing it is equal to me telling her not to be open and vulnerable with me again”.

“Being a good sexual partner means trying to understand the needs, wants, and feelings of the people we’re intimate with.”

Fantasy is the base of variety, imagination, and adventure for most of us when we experience sexual pleasure, either alone or with a partner. But relatively few couples seem to be able to trust their loved one with their fantasies and then find some way of “acting them out” together.

How to share your sexual fantasies with your partner

Sharing your fantasies can actually strengthen your relationship. What many people don’t realize is that sharing fantasies can often re-ignite the passion in a long term relationship.

Most of us want to know how to please our partners and would be interested in hearing their fantasies, so that we know the secret to making them happy. But shame and embarrassment can keep both partners from breaking the sexual stalemate. It often requires taking a risk to open up, to share and be vulnerable.

Below are some tips on how to share your sexual fantasies with your partner:

1. SET THE SCENE

A good way to set up these conversations is by making sure the setting is relaxed, so sitting down on the sofa or having a bath together. Stay humorous and flirty, making the fantasy sound fun. You should be able to laugh about it, while also playing with new ideas.

It’s important both parties feel relaxed, comfortable and bonded,” says Cate Mackenzie, a psychosexual therapist couples counsellor. “If people are nervous to mention something, they can rush into expressing themselves, which may trigger the other person. People are more open when they feel safe and their nervous system is relaxed.”

‘I’ statements involving the other person can help: “I would love it if you smacked my bum” or “I would like to lick chocolate off your breasts”, for example. “You shouldn’t be saying anything along the lines of ‘you are so boring, you never try anything new’”, she adds. That’s a big turn off.

2. ASK QUESTIONS

According to research the most common sexual fantasies include having a threesome, engaging in BDSM (including spanking, biting or being submissive/dominated), and shaking up a sex routine with different positions, locations or partners, to public sex and open relationships. Turning the focus onto your partner is a great way to kickstart the fantasy chat.

You can start by asking them questions on what they like, any new thing they’d want to try. The bottom line is also involving your partner, it shouldn’t just be about you.

3. PLAY A GAME

To enter the zone gently, you could suggest a game, such as taking turns to describe a fantasy. Christopher, a sex therapist, recommends writing out a list of five fantasies each, putting them in a jar and then taking turns to pull them out and talk about them. If they’re a turn on for both of you, perhaps explore them a bit more.

4. SWAP STORIES

An alternative approach is sharing erotic fiction with your partner, talking about why a story turned you on with a partner can be “much less daunting” than directly talking about your fantasies. But it can open up the conversation and create a landscape between you where you both feel more able to explore those things together.

When does fantasizing become unhealthy?

“Our imagination is polyamorous, and is the only part of our lives that is truly free.”

While Ella and Louis were ‘coupling’, Dolapo at some point drifted off, fantasizing about a woman touching her body and that led to her orgasmic moment. Is that bad? Is it wrong to fantasize about someone that is not your partner?

If you’re wondering whether fantasizing about someone else is standard behavior (and when doing so becomes unhealthy), ponder no more. The results are in: Most fantasies about sex are normal.

What are the abnormal ones?

Some fantasies can lead to trouble if one becomes fixated on them. They are the distancing fantasies, blocking intimacy in real life. Here goes a sample of them:

Fetishism: Sexual focus on objects, shoes, panties,stocking, or parts of the human body.

Masochism: Sexual urges and fantasies involving the act of being humiliated, beaten, bound or otherwise made to suffer.

Sadism: Pleasure is derived from expressing the aggressive instinct, and is related to rape.

Exhibitionism: Recurrent urge to show one’s genitals to others, in order to become aroused.

Voyeurism: Recurrent preoccupation with observing people who are naked, grooming or engaged in sexual activity.

Frotteurism: Rubbing of penis against the body of a fully clothed woman to achieve orgasm.

Pedophilia: Arousal by children. Jail sentences for people who engage in sexual activities with children are very harsh, and harsher is the treatment they get by their inmates.

What are your thoughts on fantasies? Let us know in the comments section below.

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