I remember sitting with my friend Chidi one time and listening to him tell some story that somehow stayed in my brain.
He is an Igbo man while his wife, Kemi, is Yoruba. These two love each other, but of course, it wasn’t always easy sailing, especially at the beginning when they were still trying to get things going. He once told me, “I thought love was enough until we tried planning our wedding. That’s when the drama started”.
Chidi’s family wanted a traditional Igbo wedding, complete with the Igba Nkwu ceremony, but Kemi’s family was just as insistent on their Yoruba ways. It was no longer solely about what the two wanted, it was an amalgamation of two vastly different cultural worlds. “I didn’t even know half of what was required,” Chidi laughed, “I just wanted to marry my wife”.
It is never between two people in Nigeria. Mostly, love has to be wrapped in layers of cultural and religious dictations: which tradition to follow in marriage, who handles the finances, how kids should be brought up. Your background is always in the room with you. And when both people come from different cultures, things get even more interesting.
Take for instance gender roles. Depending on the region in which one finds oneself, the roles of husband and wife can be very different: some areas of the country cling to more traditional roles – a woman’s place is in the home/kitchen, taking care of the children, while in other, more modern and urban settings, it is encouraged that women also work outside of the home and thus share financial responsibility with one’s partner. Now, envision the case of a couple where the man is from a culture that expects women to be homemakers and his wife is a high-flying career woman. This can give way to some really interesting dinner table conversations or arguments.
Religion, too, adds its own spice to relationships. In cities such as Lagos or Abuja, one is very certain to find Christian-Muslim couples. But sweet as their love may be, they often face serious challenges. Should the children be brought up as Muslims or Christians? How do they celebrate holidays? And truthfully, there is immense pressure from the families. It is not unheard of that relatives sometimes mount pressure to have one or the other convert or try to sway a couple in one or the other religious way.
Aisha, a Muslim who married a Christian called Segun, told me, “It was never an issue between us, but the families? Ah! They didn’t make it easy.” They eventually made it work, celebrating both Christmas and Eid with equal enthusiasm, but it wasn’t without some awkward family gatherings. Aisha laughed as she told me about the time her uncle asked, in front of everybody, when Segun was planning on converting. “I just smiled and offered him more rice,” she said.
But the involvement of family is what really makes relationships in Nigeria unique. Nigerian families are very involved in their children’s lives, which encompasses even their relationships. Whether it’s the advice on whom to date, expectations from marriage, to sometimes unsolicited pieces of advice on parenting, families just are right in the mix. And while this is sometimes overwhelming, it is quite beautiful. Family is such an important aspect of life in Nigeria that even courtship is viewed as a marrying of two families, not just two individuals.
All the same, it may also breed conflict. Some people often have difficulty in striving to please their families while trying to follow their hearts. The pressure for marrying into one’s tribe or religion is overwhelming, and for those who fall in love outside of those boundaries, it can feel like walking on a tightrope. But to those embracing this kind of challenge, more often, a couple really ends up in developing a much stronger or richer relationship.
The most important thing is communication. By working out cultural expectations, religious beliefs, and pressures from their families, the couples speaking openly about their backgrounds and expectations make it work. They are able to marry tradition with modern love by taking what works for them and leaving what doesn’t. It is this mix of love, culture, and yes, a little drama that makes Nigerian relationships so rich and vibrant.
Chidi and Kemi? They had that dream wedding, blending Igbo and Yoruba traditions, and they now joke about how their kids will be “multicultural experts.” It wasn’t always easy, but in Nigeria, love rarely ever is. And perhaps it is just that which makes it so sweet.
