Talking sex: Sex conversations you need to have for a successful relationship

🎶Let’s talk about sex, baby

Let’s talk about you and me

Let’s talk about all the good things

And the bad things that may be

Let’s talk about sex

Let’s talk about sex

Let’s talk about sex for now

To the people at home or in the crowd

It keeps coming up anyhow 

The chords to Salt’N’Pepa ‘let’s talk about sex’ plays in the background as Ify and Mike get dirty under the sheets. ‘Umph!’, She groaned. ‘Why does he have to go so deep?’, She asked herself. ‘If we keep having sex this way I am sure I won’t have kids in the future”, she continued having conversations in her head. 

It is so ironic that she and Mike are having sex with this song playing in the background and they are doing the exact opposite. How does he even enjoy sex with this song playing? Hello mister! Ever heard of Cardi B or Jeremih or usher?

He kept ‘drilling’ into her looking like one that just discovered new paradise. She wondered if he realized she isn’t enjoying the sex or if he knows she has been faking orgasm since they started having sex. He flipped her over to the top, the ultimate sex position, cowgirl. This is just all shades of pain, this particular position makes her feel pain in her lower abdomen but she said nothing and kept faking. A part of her wants to impress him, to show that she is good in bed and is very flexible. 

🎶Don’t be coy, avoid, or make void the topic

Cuz that ain’t gonna stop it

Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows

Many will know anything goes

The song kept playing in the background. Mike started humming to the song, enjoying the whole vibe, he liked that they are finally getting more ‘intimate’ it had been a bit of hassle trying to get her to have sex. She thought it was too early for them to start having sex but he was able to persuade her. Now, all he can think of is this moment. He has been doing a lot of research with the ‘kamasutra’ he just needs to experiment.

‘Babe, can you bend a bit to the right?’ He whispered to her as he reached forward to nibble her ear and fumbled her breasts.

‘Hmm, no babe. I’m quite comfortable this way’, Ify responded.

‘Oh!’, He said. Adamant on trying out this position, he tried bending her a little and stroked deep.

She screamed out loud: ‘Ooooohhhhh! Mike! WTH is wrong with you?’, She jumped off him immediately.

‘Ify, what is wrong? Why did you stop? You were enjoying yourself.’

‘No, I wasn’t. You are the only one enjoying the sex she responded with anger. Don’t you know that is painful? You are so selfish!’.

Mike looked puzzled, trying to figure out where he went wrong but has no clue. ‘You are just overreacting! He told her. You just don’t want us to continue anymore.’

‘Why aren’t you getting it that it was painful and I am tired of enduring and pretending like it’s fun. Will you stop that music? What’s the point of playing it when you don’t even get the message?’, She said as she walked out of the room leaving Mike very confused and annoyed. 

Communication is a vital part of relationships. Learning to have healthy sex conversations in a sexual relationship not only helps both parties, it also makes sure that their sexual needs are met. Research shows that couples who discuss sex topics, like, what works for them and what doesn’t, are more likely to have a happy relationship than those that chooses not to have these conversations. 

Evaluating the case study above, it is clear that Ify and Mike aren’t on the same page when it comes to the sexual part of their relationship. Ify wasn’t ready to start having sex with Mike because she believes it is too early, (which means, she hasn’t fully consented). Asides that, she finds the sex painful and unpleasurable.

On the other side, Mike believes they are having great sex. He is also adamant on practicing the sex styles he learnt from Kamasutra. Mike has no idea Ify feels the exact opposite.

The story would have been different if they both had a conversation on their views on sex, what they find pleasurable and what makes them feel otherwise.

What are the things to discuss to your partner about sex?

“A handful of conversations make the biggest difference in the strength and duration of a relationship,”  says Joseph Grenny, social scientist and co-author of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.

These are some of the sex conversations to have with your partner before getting under the sheets:

1. CONSENT

Consent means to express willingness, to give permission. For example: After reflecting a little bit, I’ve consented.

Personally, I believe consent is one of the topics that gets pushed under in relationships. Most people think and believe that being in a relationship with someone is the only validation needed to do things that involves your partner. When sex is concerned, consent is needed. Not just from one person but from both parties, mutual consent. As much as spontaneity in sex is great and enjoyable, it is important for everyone involved in the sexual activity to have consented, whether it is a threesome or a foursome. It is important for everyone to give mutual consent, in order to avoid any misunderstanding or mishap while having sex.

It should also be noted that not giving consent before having sex hinders someone from enjoying the sex.

2. SEXUAL LIMITS

This is a good topic to consider when discussing sex with your partner. Getting to know and understand each other’s limits/boundaries helps a great deal in bed. For example, Most people need a break after having orgasm. This means that they can’t continue immediately. 

When having this conversation, it is important to vocalize firmly what makes you uncomfortable and awkward. Choosing a safe word like ‘Stop’, ‘No’ (you can choose fancier words for your safe words) informs your partner that you aren’t on the same page and saying it means whatever is happening must come to an immediate halt.

3. GETTING TESTED

This is very crucial. It isn’t about how many sexual partners you have had, whether you have had sex or not. HPV and other STI’s attacks the human genitals just as the common cold attacks the nose and throat. Getting tested for STI’s/HIV should be done before having sex and it shouldn’t be forced on one partner alone, both parties should get tested. Staying healthy shouldn’t be gambled on. 

4. SEXUAL PREFERENCES 

How do you like to be touched? What can I do to make you feel good? 

In order to please your partner, you need to know what pleases them and what doesn’t. Communicating about your needs and want, what gives you the most pleasure makes your sex life interesting. Asking the questions above not only breaks down the barrier between both parties but also keeps you open minded. It is possible that you and your partner will get to like the same thing after satisfying each other in the best ways known to you both. 

Talking about other topics like, how many times you want to have sex, contraceptives, sex wishlist, also, helps both parties and guides you both into having a non-boring sex life. 

Having sex conversations in a relationship breaks down communication barriers and allows both parties bond well. 

Tips on how to initiate sex conversations 

• knowing how open minded your partner is guides you in choosing the right approach to discussing your needs and desires. Most people find it hard to resonate with other people’s opinion especially when it’s dumped on them at once. So, you might have to take a step back and communicate your needs slowly. 
• One of the things to consider before initiating sex conversations with your partner is the time/moment. Is he/she in the right head space to have such conversation? Are they tired? Or drunk? Because you cannot trust someone’s cognitive ability when the person is tired much more drunk. It is important to hold these conversations when you are both clear headed and on the same page, so you wouldn’t miscommunicate or assume that which is not said. 
• Lastly, always be ready to compromise. Try to see things from your partners perspective and also try to understand their own needs and desires. Be sure not to impose or be selfish with your needs. What if the ways to please you are harmful to your partner? Would you still push it? Learning to find a common ground is important—that is the whole point of the conversation. 

Song: Let’s talk about sex, artists: Salt’N’Pepa 

The song talks about safe sex, the positive and negative sides of sex. 

Although it’s an old song, it remains a hit. You should check it out. 

When do you think is the best time to have sex conversations with your partner? Leave your answers in the comments section below and let us know what you think about this article.